My brother’s addicted to Oxycontin. … He was going to school in Philly, where he was on the lacrosse team, and all he was doing was playing lacrosse and doing Oxycontin. It was like that movie Basketball Diaries, but with a shittier drug and a way lamer sport. … I’ve lived in Maryland my whole life. You’d think I’d have something nice to say about lacrosse, but no. … What’s my reasoning? I don’t know, too many nets. … They kicked him out of school, and the first thing he does is call me. You know how on a Friday night your friend will give you a pep talk about how much booze you’re going to drink? He gave me that talk about Oxycontin. … “Bro, when I get home we are going to do so much Oxy. … We’re going to blow it straight to the face. The TV will be on so loud, and we won’t even know it’s there, brah” … I should clarify that I have done some crazy shit with my brother. One time we robotripped on Thanksgiving. … How crazy is that? I could imagine doing that at Christmas, just to feel like your relatives are still in another zip code, but choosing robotripping over Thanksgiving dinner?  … “Yeah, all this food looks delicious, but I’d rather feel like I’m trapped in a coffin for eight hours. … It’s Thanksgiving, guys. I wanna see a purple grim reaper and feel like I can’t breathe.” … We couldn’t be at the table with our family, so we just kind of drove around. … Yeah, drove around. On the holidays you have to watch out for drunk drivers, but what about the guy who’s drinking Robitussin? … If I drink Robitussin, what do you think I put in my car? Fucking lava? … You have no plan for me. I’ll kill you. … Your family will try to sue me, but I’ll be sleeping for the next hundred years, because I am a sea monster. … Eventually we ended up seeing National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, which might have contributed to me vomiting blood. … I spent like an hour of that movie in the bathroom. You know when you say to yourself, “I’ll never do this again”, but you also kind of think you’re in a sexy drug movie, and your girlfriend is about to walk in naked, holding a syringe between her teeth? … But hey, let’s talk about my brother, the REAL drug addict. … No no, let’s talk about me. There was a period of about three months where I thought I was schizophrenic, but I was really just high all the time. … One time on mushrooms I convinced myself I had a brain tumor. Racked up a ton of hospital bills. … Apparently, doctors will take your money if you tell them you heard a voice saying you have a brain tumor, … which is crazy, because how often does the voice in your head just come out and say you have a brain tumor? … Never. They’ll tell you anything but, strictly out of self-preservation. What doctor wouldn’t know that? … I’m not afraid that doing drugs has caused lasting damage to my brain chemistry. I just think that I’ve mis-learned so many things while high. … Like the Doors sound good to me now. It’s a part of me, I can’t change that. … The thing is, I got my brother high for the first time. When he was fourteen we went out behind my dad’s house and smoked a bowl. Innocent enough, right? … Four years later we’re blowing lines, and he tells me, “Before that night, I didn’t even know this life was an option.” … So, not only did I get my brother hooked on drugs, he also thinks he’s some sort of samurai. … “This life”? We’re doing coke off an Iron Maiden CD, parked outside a sporting goods store. … Every time I do this, I think about not doing this. I’ve gotten so good at regretting things, I feel it hours in advance. That’s how I know when it’s time to do drugs.